


goodbye

by kdee



Category: BTOB, K-pop, Red Velvet (K-pop Band), 우리 결혼했어요 | We Got Married
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-08-10 09:24:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7839373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kdee/pseuds/kdee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She vaguely felt like she was underwater, like it wasn't really happening.</p><p>Or, what was said when the cameras turned off.</p>
            </blockquote>





	goodbye

Sungjae was a little more soft spoken off camera compared to when they were filming, a little more shy and introverted than what he showed onscreen. Sooyoung had always kind of loved that, that she was able to note the subtle shift of Sungjae settling back into himself - the full version of him behind the camera. Today was an exception. Today, Sooyoung was running on just 3 hours of sleep, because it had arrived. Their final day. A part of Sooyoung felt betrayed - it hardly felt as if they'd spent a month together. It felt like they should've just... She didn't know. Continued. Indefinitely. A simultaneous hate and love twisted in her chest, for her company thrusting this experience upon her, at herself for believing that this day existed only somewhere in the far future, lying beyond their fingertips.

She faced the inevitable.

"Hey," he said, then coughed as his voice caught. Sooyoung automatically smiled back. She'd caught his eye already. They'd been getting their last touches of makeup done for the big _finale_ \-- Sooyoung, childishly, had immediately looked away, somehow clinging to the notion that the later she greeted him, the more she could delay this entire thing. Now, Sooyoung shifted her shoulders uncomfortably, nervously, and seconds ticked as she watched his lips part again, looking for something more genuine to say. The soft, off the shoulder top was pretty, but made her feel exposed, and she wanted to be able to hide herself away behind the comfortable sweaters they usually gave her.

Her gaze fluttering between his collar and the bottom of his left ear -- she couldn't meet his eyes properly, not when he'd immediately catch onto how she was feeling -- she replied with something resembling a greeting, voice teetering dangerously into what Sungjae would call _sentimental_.

A pause filled the space between them, and Sooyoung's eyes flitted around with a growing sense of urgency. She wanted this slow, awkward hurdle to be over before she said something she regretted. Perhaps that there wasn't a lot to say. Time dragged on, making her become more and more aware of the heartbeat in her throat. 

"They made you look like a pufferfish." Sungjae blurted.

Sooyoung was surprised by laugh that bursted out of her. Her vision swam a little. And, abruptly, her teeth bit down on her bottom lip as she quashed the sob rising in her chest. She looked up at Sungjae, a cautious and almost uneasy smile touching his mouth. His teeth, mirroring hers, worried at his lips and dragged them over the chapped skin, tongue darting nervously. She remembered with an almost poignant regret that she'd left her lipbalm in the car -- and, for the umpteenth time, remembered that it was her last time she'd be able to worry about him in such an intimate way. She inhaled sharply through her nose. Tried to find something to say. When she couldn't, she met his dark eyes once again and tried for a smile, whilst desperately trying to convey everything she wanted to say to him. _I don't want it to end here. Don't let it end here._

-

It would've been funny if, on good days, she'd smile madly as soon as she glimpsed him within the crew, and hit his arm in greeting along with a 'how've you been?" If he'd usually reply with a pained yelp and things would dissolve into a petty squabble. Or if on bad days, maybe when he was tired, or she was tired, or both of them, they'd nudge each other's shoulder in greeting. If sometimes one of them would pull a face to cheer the other up, or offer up a smile.

It would've been funny if how they greeted was that black and white. Despite what happened on screen, their greetings weren't contrived. It evolved, just like they did - it started off shy, then became something more.

Something more. Like an  _I missed you_ , or  _I said something mean the last time we met, so here's my apology_ , or _I can tell you're running on 2 hours of sleep and we should take it easy today._

(Filming was so far apart and they saw each other so little, so the times when they were reuniting after a long stretch were her favourite. When he wrapped his arms around her - not like the careful, conservative pats on the back that happened on screen, but close and warm and giddy with the feeling of seeing each other again. They only lasted a few seconds, but it was enough.)

She could probably tell his mood from a mile off - from how he held his shoulders, whether his hand came up to rub at his neck, if he had his hands balled at his sides to keep himself awake.  _Perhaps_ , she thought,  _this information is useless now_.

"I am acting like my usual self!" was her useless rebuttal.

"Really?" He asked, his laugh masking something unreadable in his expression. "I don't think so."

 _Perhaps_ , she let herself think,  _he can tell my mood from a mile off too._

His voice was soft today. As soft as it usually was when they weren't filming.

-

As they talked, Sooyoung gradually forgot the dozens of red recording dots around the room, reminders that they were filming. Her eyes ached. It was as if her vision was permanently blurry, and she couldn't seem to tamp down the fierce and instinctual refusal inside of her every time she realised what this was. Every time she touched him, she was reminded that it was the last time. _The last time_. A small part of her wanted this last meeting to be all genuine. If this was going to be the last time she saw him, she wasn't going to pass up the opportunity to be honest.

Honest.

It was a weird word to apply to a fake, simulated marriage that the whole nation could tune in to watch. But to be fair, she had tried to keep the line of reality there. At least, in the beginning. The Sungjae while filming and not filming. Them on camera and off camera.

-

_At the confirmation that Seohyun was free, Sooyoung ran to meet her._

_"You're probably wondering," Seohyun said, as she picked at the peeling rubber of the practice room floor, "how to act onscreen and offscreen, right? If it should be different."_

_Sooyoung nodded._

_Seohyun pressed her lips together then huffed out a breath. "To be_ very _honest, it's different for everyone." Sooyoung tried not to let her face fall. "You two will get along-- the casting is usually done well to ensure that-- but I can't guarantee how seriously Sungjae is going to take the whole concept of a fake marriage. You'll probably become good friends, but... It's different for everyone."_

_The older women looked at the younger girl and Sooyoung squirmed under her gaze._

_"BTOB's Sungjae..." Seohyun murmured. Sooyoung busied herself with peeling rubber, trying not to let the shattered illusion of the show break her heart too much. It was obvious how scripted the show could get, how artificial some couples were -- that's why the ratings were at an all time low, after all. But there had been a niggling hope that she could meet someone she really liked. And in reality, she had._

_Sooyoung blinked in surprise as Seohyun leaned forward and ruffled her hair. "Gosh. You already like him, don't you?"_

_Sooyoung's eyes immediately dropped, embarrassed. "Maybe." She confessed quietly. She'd been a longtime fan of BTOB, and being paired with Sungjae almost felt like being paired with some sort of celebrity crush. And he really was handsome. Of course she liked him._

_"They're really resorting to putting kids on this show..." Seohyun muttered. She looked at the younger girl, as if assessing the damage she thought Sooyoung could take. "Sooyoung. I can't lie, it might be hard at first, dealing with everything. You're going to get lots of mixed reactions, and I know how much negative comments can affect you with this show." She squeezed Sooyoung's hand, sighing. "It's... you're young, you know?" She peered at the younger girl again, and Sooyoung was struck by the seriousness in her tone. "You're young, so enjoy it, above all. You're going to have a fun time. Enjoy it. Just remember that it won't last forever."_

_So._

_Enjoy it. But don't get your heart broken when it ends._

-

Despite the older member's warnings, the line of reality had slowly started to blur.

Of course, Sooyoung had at first been enchanted by him. He was tall, strangely shy, and continually dropped eye contact with a flustered smile. This -- the heart pounding, sweaty palms, fluttering stomach -- was her first trial experience of what she'd missed out on while in highschool because of her training. It was almost like playing house, like a real life reenactment of her daydreams. And to make sure it all went well, she became set on playing up the  _noona_  concept -- Sungjae's ideal type, from her frantic searching-- being brash and forward whilst hiding her shaking fingers.

He had such a beautiful smile. Obviously, she liked him -- he was her first look at what a relationship would be like.

Of course, that wasn't how it turned out. She couldn't have imagined what Sungjae could be like, with so many different sides that she wanted to explore, with so many different smiles; seeing the way his eyes lit up at different things, how his ears burned bright red. As the weeks escalated, they grew closer. His childishness put her at ease, and it stopped feeling like pretend. For all intents and purposes, it was an extremely comfortable foundation to film on-- they could joke around with each other and act their age - do things that idols couldn't usually do. Even if at times, she wanted him to hold her closer, to be more romantic, to not laugh whenever she created tension, she was glad for it. Because of how he controlled their speed, she was always comfortable. She never felt trapped or forced to be romantic, and she never truly realised how thankful she was for that.

They became, in a sense, much more intimate. It was easy to take his hand, to lean on him. It became natural to her. It wasn't as if they did the same outside of filming, but, more than once, she'd caught herself from reaching out instinctively for his hand. In the small moments off-screen and outside of filming, she sometimes confessed her worries to him between moving locations to film, about her group, her role, her future in the entertainment industry. And he'd offer up his own experiences. She, in return, would make sure he know that he could let himself go when they were together, relax from the even heavier schedule of his group. They grew together.

Maybe the line of reality disintegrated when they'd fallen asleep together. When the transition between on and off camera was muddled. She remembered the night in Hainan the most, when they'd fallen asleep with a couple of cameramen with them on the balcony. They'd woken up, his arm then trapped awkwardly between the chair and her back, her head lolling on his shoulder. She opened her eyes, slightly disorientated, tilting her head up from Sungjae's shoulder to find him grinning down at her. Sooyoung groaned, and with no cameramen in sight, pushed her face into his neck; a thrill ran through her when she could feel him swallow.

"Good sleep?" He asked. She hummed, then shuffled forward so he could pull his arm out from under her, knowing it was probably uncomfortable for him. Still half asleep, she linked their arms together instead, and rested her head back against the chair.

"What?" She croaked as she turned to him. His face had broken out into a smile again. (Sooyoung remembered how bright his eyes were then. She wished that she'd stayed awake long enough, at least once, to watch him sleep.)

"Nothing," he whispered. With his other hand, he tapped at her forehead and laughed as she protested. "You're like a baby right now, it's really cute."

She grumbled, losing the last wisps of sleep, and in an effort to stop him poking her forehead, she clasped his hand into hers. It felt like their hands melted together, their fingers linking by muscle memory.

"My forehead is expensive, you know," she murmured when he looked at her. "You have to pay for it if you ruin it like that."

He raised an eyebrow, a smile ghosting at his mouth, then squeezed her hand. "My hand's pretty preoccupied right now."

She'd smiled, then, and then they both decided that they should probably move inside to sleep properly.

Maybe it had started like that, so simply. When they'd both woken up, sleep soft, and smiled at each other without the cameras. When Sooyoung wondered if there was really something there. When she didn't want to leave.

-

"When the concert ends..."

"When it ends.."

"Is that the end for us?"

Her heart was breaking.

-

"Thank you for supporting the Bbyu couple--"

She laughed, then joined in.

_Thank you, thank you, thank you._

It felt like she was on a countdown. They both waved at the camera, smiling despite the fact that they were now hurtling towards the end, and in the moment, Sooyoung felt an acute sense of gratefulness. She was grateful to have had this experience at all, to have had this experience, especially, with Sungjae.

The red dots disappeared one by one. Then they were left with just the stage lights above them and a smattering of applause from the crew members.

The moment dragged for a painful second. Sooyoung felt her stomach drop with the realisation that it was all over.

After that was a blur. Sooyoung had one glance at Sungjae (it was over, 11 months, over) -- his eyes caught on hers. She wanted to say something more. Like _did you want this to be the end?_  or  _i wish we could've performed that duet to a proper audience_  or  _please don't delete the pictures of me from your phone_ or-- something more. Something like _don't let it end here--_ and then it was too late for either of them to say anything, and their respective managers and staff ushered them down ( _this is it_ , she thought, _it's the end_ ). Sooyoung walked off stage and bowed to the filming crew, thanking them for their hard work-- for 11 months, they'd watched the two of them _pretend_ to be a _couple_ \-- and she vaguely felt like she was underwater, like it wasn't really happening.

"You two were really something else," the producer was telling her, grinning. "Really. You two were perfect. I'll see you in a few hours for the black room interview."

Sooyoung bowed, feeling as if everything was going in one ear and out the other. Perfect. They were perfect. She felt dizzy. "Thank you."

The lights turned on, shattering the illusion of privacy and bathing the venue yellow, and then her manager was calling her name.

"Sooyoung?"

"Mhm?"

With the film crew slowly filtering away, leaving the venue with just Sungjae and Sooyoung's teams, they had a little more privacy.

"You okay?" She asked. Sooyoung nodded, trying for a smile. Her manager tutted at her, watching her carefully. "Say bye now. Properly."

Properly. She understood what her manager meant. This was the proper goodbye. She stumbled over to Sungjae's team with her heart in her throat, watching as he turned and saw her, watched as he made his way to her.

"Guess that's a wrap, huh?" He said, and she felt her chest twist painfully. She grinned instead, briefly glancing at the ground and biting her lip, hard. Her eyes ached. But it wasn't fair that she'd cried so much. Sungjae hadn't dropped a single tear: he'd grinned and handed her tissues and done everything he should've done. Sungjae, now, stared at her, gently reaching for her hands. Sooyoung felt something catch in her throat. She gripped at his hands, watching as they swung between them, watched as they held hands for the first and last time outside of filming. "You look like a pufferfish, seriously." He whispered.

She laughed, for lack of anything else. Tears made her throat thick, and it sounded a little like a sob.

"Shut up." She told him. He swung their hands again.

"Sooyoung."

"Mhm."

She looked up at him.

"You're gonna do really well in the future." He said. His voice was unbearably soft. "Believe in yourself, okay? You're capable of so many things when you put your mind to it."

She didn't want this. She didn't want final words and well wishes, but-- and a smile touched at his mouth as he watched her.

"Thank you." She said finally. She forced herself to take a breath. "Really. For taking care of me so well. I already know you're going to do well in the future. So."

She looked at the ground, looking up again when he squeezed her hands.

"Let's both do well, okay?" He murmured, a smile gently gracing his face. "Let's both do well, so we can be proud when we next see each other."

Sooyoung nodded, squeezing his hands for the last time. She briefly looked down at their hands, linked together, trying to commit the image to memory. Then she let go. As she turned and walked back to her team, she thought, _next see each other_.  _Next see each other_. The way he said it made her heart feel as if it'd been torn in two.

-

_"So, when you cried while singing..."_

_"Why did you cry when he..."_

_"Do you need some tissues?"_

She hated this show. She loved this show. She loved--

On the way back to the dorm, her manager said, gently, "you're going to have to delete the app."

"What?"

"Sooyoung."

"Are you serious?"

Silence filled the car, and Sooyoung stared stonily out of the tinted windows. There was no use in arguing with her manager, because there was always a logical reason -- _fans might see and assume, someone could hack into your phone and assume--_  As she clicked  _Uninstall_ , it felt as if her and Sungjae's memories were falling through her fingers.

-

 **20:47**  
To: Sungjae

I'm still grateful that it was you. Remember that  
I'm cheering you on whenever things get hard. Fight-  
ing! And I'm not a baby.

-

 **20:52**  
From: Sungjae

Me too. I meant what I said, you're going to go  
far. Maybe you're right, aren't you a young lady?   
ㅋㅋ Fighting, Sooyoung-ah. I'll wait for you, like  
you asked.

**Author's Note:**

> this was all a giant bit of catharsis for me, because there is next to no english fanfiction for this pairing :-(


End file.
